Results of Individual Interviews

Demographics

The participants' ages ranged from 55-72, and six (60%) were White, two (20%) were African American, and two (20%) were Biracial. Five (50%) of the participants were female, and five (50%) were male. All the participants were heterosexual.

Themes

Themes were created to describe the participants’ experiences. There were eight themes, including: (a) Experiences of Disability in Childhood; (b) Social Experiences Throughout Life; (c) Experiences With the Effects of Aging; (d) Societal Responses to Disability and Aging; (e) Losses, Changes, and Fears With Aging; (f) Making Meaning Out of Aging; (g) Positive Strategies for Coping With Disability and Aging; and (h) Self and Other Compassion. In addition, subthemes were identified to illuminate the participants’ unique experiences.

Experiences of Disability in Childhood

The participants described several experiences of disability in childhood, both positive and negative, related to when they realized that they were disabled, their experiences in their families growing up, and the quality of their relationships with their classmates and teachers in school.

Realizing That One is Disabled

Aubrey told a story about when she first realized that she was disabled:

Well, the story is not a good one, unfortunately … because, I believe I was

around 10 years old. And I was looking through a drawer in my bedroom. There

were a lot of papers in there. And I discovered a piece of paper. And it was from

a doctor, and they had done some neurological tests on me. And I looked at the

results of these tests and what it said. And it was very upsetting to me, and has

affected me. It was saying that my cognitive functioning was to do with math and

the numbers, and I’m not able to conceptualize numbers and shapes. So,

basically the piece of paper was saying that I have neurological challenges in

processing numbers and shapes, and I couldn’t process them in an abstract

way. And then they also said that I behaved younger than I was, and that was a

concern of theirs. And I should have probably added that I was adopted, and

they felt that that may have had something to do … I was reported to have childish

behavior. And so anyways, I read this, and I was like, “Oh my God, something’s

wrong with me!” (Aubrey, 56-year-old White female who lives with her boyfriend,

has a learning disability, and was born with knock knees and "ducks feet.")

She went on to say that this experience was shocking and upsetting, and had a negative impact on her life:

I’m not normal. And I couldn’t believe it, what they were saying about me! And it

was just very, very upsetting. And so, and very disturbing. And it affected me for

the rest of my life. It still does. So, that was probably my earliest moment for me.

Sophia also told a story about when she first understood that she was disabled and stated that she was “maybe around five or six” when this happened. She talked about developing PTSD because of the difficulties that she experienced:

A couple times I couldn’t really catch up with the school work. And, you know, I

might have had some PTSD also. So, with the ADD, but the PTSD came later

on. So, I did feel that it was harder to catch up with the school work. And some

kids would finish earlier than me, like, most of the kids, and they handed in the

assignment. And I felt it took a little longer for me to hand in the assignment that

was requested. (Sophia, 55-year-old White, Jewish female female who is in a

relationship with her boyfriend, and has had scoliosis and ADHD since early

childhood)

I asked her what the PTSD was from. She said: “I guess going to the doctors, and maybe I heard my parents arguing a few times. And it probably added stress. So, it was probably two things.”

Gloria told a story about being born with a hearing impairment and realizing that she did not have much of a support system growing up:

Okay, so I have been disabled since I was born, and my dad is … it was on my

father’s side. And I really didn’t have a support system. Growing up hard of

hearing, I had a crazy childhood. My mom wasn’t supportive at all. I used to be

like, very ashamed of wearing hearing aids, I wouldn’t wear them. Then when I

did wear them, I got bullied at school. So, I really didn’t wear hearing aids

because I was bullied and teased a lot growing up, and so I learned about my

hearing problem since I was a little girl. Even though on my father’s side, a lot of

them are hard of hearing. It’s like every other person is born hard of hearing.

And then it goes to generations to generations to generations. (Gloria, 56-year-

old divorced African American who born with a hearing impairment)

Experiences of Disability in the Family

John reflected on his relationship with his parents when he was growing up: “My relationship was pretty close. They helped me. They gave me a lot of support, and they made sure that I had everything I needed to survive.” I asked him if he thought that they understood him and his disability. He stated: “Yeah, they did, because they were with me since I first went in the chair when I was one … so, they were with me from the beginning.” (John, 56-year-old single White male who was born with cerebral palsy)

However, Sophia talked about how her parents reacted to her disability and were not available to provide her with all the support that she needed:

Well, my parents were supportive. But you know, my mother, she didn’t have

much experience. So, it was mostly my paternal grandmother. Because, yeah,

so they weren’t actually that supportive because they were going through some

issues themselves because they were arguing a lot. They struggled with their

own issues, so they were supportive in a way that they took me to doctors, but

not in school, they didn’t really chip in to do anything.

Experiences with Classmates in School

Michael talked about how kids at school reacted to his disability: “Some of the kids would like, make fun of me … Yeah.” However, he stated that he had a good support system and his friends accepted him. I asked him if there were any particular experiences that he could remember where someone made fun of him, and he said there was a guy who bullied him in high school. (Michael, 72-year-old White, Ashkenazi Jewish male who is in a long-term relationship, and was born with benign tremors)

Henry said that a difficult experience he had was when, “I would get picked last a lot of times.” Though he stated that he had friends who were supportive of him. (Henry, 72-year-old divorced White and Hispanic male with hearing and visual problems, and learning difficulties since early childhood)

Aubrey talked about how she got along with the other students in school:

With the students, I was kind of a geek and never accepted with the popular

kids, embarrassed as I am to say it. So, I formed my own little group of smart

kids and just had my own group of kids I hung out with. But I always felt like an

outsider. And I did feel like an outsider and never accepted. Ever.

Brian described his social support network when he was a child, and similar to Aubrey, he had friends who were different:

Yeah, I had friends. But they all had, like, their own disabilities. We had our own

clique. So, some of them were obese, overweight. Some of them were like, one

kid was albino, another kid was super dark, I think his family was from Ethiopia.

It’s like we all had, not really disabilities, but something that didn’t seem normal.

And there were six of us, and we kind of matriculated from fourth grade all the

way to sophomores in high school. So, we all kind of, because we had

something that other people frowned upon or secretly talked behind their backs

about. And so, I had a good support group there. (Brian, 56-year-old married

Hawaiian and Jewish male, was born with polio, and has hearing and visibility

impairments)

Sophia talked about some traumatic experiences that she had as a child from how people treated her because of their reactions to her disability:

Maybe, like in first grade, there were some bullies, and with the younger grades

mostly. In junior high it might have been different types of things, like dating,

bullying, and stuff. But the other grades were more like, maybe I was a little

shorter or I looked a little different. And that’s when the disability act was just

starting. And they didn’t really know about that too much. And I might have been

a little behind in the class work.

I asked Sophia if she had many friends in school, and she said:

I didn’t really have that many friends. I had a learning disability, and I was pulled

out of the class often. But I might have had maybe one quality friend, maybe

later in high school. But otherwise, I didn’t really have too many good friends.

Gloria stated that she had some friends in school. However, she talked about a negative experience with a kid when she was growing up:

Okay, well, when I was on the school bus, there would be a kid that would come

around and be like, “Can you hear me, can you hear me?” He would say things

like that and burst out laughing. And things like that happened to me. Or they

would point to their ear, and say, “Oh, you can’t hear.” You know, just picking,

just picking.

While the other participants experienced some challenges with their classmates, Annika’s experience was different. She stated that she had friends in school, and I asked her how other kids reacted to her disability. She said that since she went to a school with other disabled peers, they did not really react to her disability: “You know, I sat in the same school. I didn’t have so many reactions. People were similar, like me.” (Annika, 57-year-old married White female Annika who was born with congenital heart failure, also has dyslexia.)

Experiences with Teachers in School

Brian described how his teachers responded to his disability and helped him with extra credit assignments:

They would always take me to the side, and they would always make sure I’d sit

in the front of the class since I had a hearing situation. Some of them would give

me extra credit activities to get my grades caught up because sometimes I

couldn’t hear what the teacher was saying. Sometimes my parents couldn’t

afford the proper glasses because when you have, like a visibility situation,

you’ve got to have glasses that cost a certain amount, and so I used to squint.

And they used to give me extra credit things I could do to help me catch my

grades up. And then they used to sometimes grade the classes on a curve

because they knew I was in there and they didn’t want me to fail.

Patrick also talked about how his teachers treated him in school: “Yeah, my teachers knew I was different from others, so usually I received special treatment from them.” I asked him if his teachers were supportive of him. He said, “Yeah, they were supportive. They were very nice.” (Patrick, 56-year-old married African American male with a visual impairment since early childhood)

Henry stated that his teachers were helpful, but the educational system was not as advanced to support disabled students as it is now: “The teachers were very friendly, confidential, and helpful. But it wasn’t as advanced as things are now.”

Gloria also said that she had both positive and negative experiences with teachers in school, and that some teachers were not very understanding, but just treated her like everybody else. She talked about how she had a more difficult time with teachers in college:

I think the hardest time I had is when I was in college. I didn’t get a full degree,

like, a four-year degree because my college professors treated me like trash. It

was horrible, they were worse. Like, I was so mad, I was always in the office

reporting them. They didn’t want to write anything, you know, my lessons. They

didn’t want to talk up. They often just gave me a hard time.

Aubrey described a teacher who babied her and discouraged her from learning math, and how this affected her math abilities:

My teacher babied me. She clearly saw there was a problem and let it go. And

it became worse as I got older because I needed to know certain math skills in

fourth grade, fifth grade. And so, my parents had to get me a tutor. So that was

the first issue. I had tutors all throughout, even in college. I remember with

tutoring, once a week, for like an hour, for the whole entire semester, I got a C!

With tutoring! (laughs)

Beverly said that her teachers were not understanding about her difficulties in school as she appeared bright, and there also was not as much disability legislation as there is today. (Beverly, 61-year-old married White female who was born with malabsorption disorder)

I asked her if she had any particularly bad experiences with how she was treated by teachers. She described the difficulties of having a hidden disability:

Yeah, I think I did when I was in Cape Cod. I spent my teenage years in Cape

Cod. I had a teacher who was really mean to me. She even called me names.

So, yeah, I mean, but not routinely. I think I had, except for my vision being

really bad, I think I have what’s called a hidden disability for the rest. Nobody

knew my gut was bleeding, I had arthritis, nobody knew I was anxious and

depressive. There’s tons of shame in my family for not being normal. So other

than my visual disability, it was a hidden disability, the rest of it.

She talked about how people didn’t realize that she was struggling, and so were not understanding because of it: “I think people knew I was different, but they just thought I was a weird kid.” The participants’ reflections show that more inclusion and family support are needed (Marini, 2012a).

Social Experiences Throughout Life

The participants shared their social experiences throughout life, including discrimination, community involvement and activism, romantic relationships, parenting, and social life and support.

Discrimination and Stress Throughout Life

John stated that he experiences distress from people treating him differently, and this affects him in a negative way. I asked him if he thought that the distress he experiences due to people treating him differently or unfairly could affect his health, and he said, “Yes, it can affect my health ... Well, you can go into a depression, you become depressed.” I also asked John to describe a recent experience where someone treated him differently. He said:

When I was going with some friends to the ski slopes. Okay, I don’t, I can’t ski or

anything, but I go just to watch. And so, I stay—when they shuttled me up, they

wanted me in a different ski area. They want me kind of like, segregated

because I might get in the way, the wheelchair and everything? That’s kind of an

example right there, of how I kind of get isolated away.

John’s experience of stress due to discrimination and social exclusion is an example of how being excluded can lead to distress (Meyer, 2003).

Henry also talked about being treated unfairly or differently throughout his life because of people’s reactions to his disability:

For a long time, I had to come up with different strategies for me to cope with

me, because it wasn’t acceptable having the problems I had. Nowadays, people

in many companies, there’s access. The government will pay to make sure that

you get a job, or they’ll help you get training. When I was younger that wasn’t the

case. And I think I used to try to cover it up.

Aubrey talked about how being treated unfairly by her supervisors at her department store job because she is slower is upsetting to her. situation where she was treated unfairly at the department store that she works at:

They’re supposed to be nondiscriminatory, like with age and gender and

disabilities and stuff. Well, I don’t know if I believe that one. So, I felt very bad

and very upset. Because here I’m trying my best, and it’s not good enough for

them. And it affected the rest of my workday.

She said more about how these types of experiences negatively affect her: “I feel disabled. I feel limited. I feel upset, insulted, disrespected beyond belief, treated very unfairly. I think they’re very hard on me.” She also stated that the negative experiences at her job affect her mental health in that she feels stressed out and anxious.

Beverly also talked about how she is treated unfairly because of her disability and age:

Yeah, I mean, I do think ageism is rampant in (city she lives in), a beach town,

you know. Yeah, I’ve had a lot less opportunities. As I’ve got older, I’ve had less

opportunities because I’m different, I still have anxiety and depression. I mean,

luckily in my thirties, I got medication for anxiety and depression, so that helps.

But people aren’t always sensitive to people with depression and anxiety. So

yeah, I am treated a little different, but I think that’s okay because being a

counselor has actually helped me because I talk to people less fortunate than

myself (laughs).

Beverly talked about ways that people treat her differently due to ageism:

I have to hide my age on my resume to the best of my ability ... So, ageism is

mainly the employment ageism. The disability has also resulted in less

employment opportunities, you know, I think especially when I wasn’t treating my

anxiety and depression adequately. I was noticeably anxious at work, and so that

caused me not to be promoted, and not to get other opportunities. So yeah, my

disability mainly affects me in terms of my career outcome.

She went on to describe how she has experienced shame and not wanted to disclose her disability:

Well, yeah, some things, like, you don’t disclose to most people that you have a

disability. Because, especially, it’s kind of a hidden disability, I walk and talk,

right? (laughs). I have a hidden disability. I don’t disclose to most people until I

know them better, my issues. I just don’t, because people don’t understand.

People want you to be 100% functional, competitive. This is a capitalist society

(laughs), “Go, go, go!” So, no, I just don’t disclose it.

Sophia talked about how she has had to advocate for herself in jobs or in school, to receive disability accommodations:

Oh, yes, I guess when I was applying for a job … or for school, I had to do

remedial classes over and over. And then I was at the disability area, where you

could take extra time in the class. Or like, more time with homework. So, I had to

advocate for myself, like, when I went to the college. And the doctor wrote me

notes to get more time for school and extra tutoring.

She reflected on how these kinds of issues can cause stress for her: “Yes, that’s part of the stress with everything, yes.”

Patrick stated that he is social with people, so he does not experience a lot of negative treatment from people, though he does experience some stigma. He described discrimination that he experienced related to his disability when he was getting into college:

Yeah, when I was getting into college … Yeah, I think they were admitting normal

students, so, maybe I felt people disapproved of us, I didn’t fit in that category.

So, I ended up attending another college. So, in my life, that was a

discrimination, that people like us were not actually cared about. But, yeah, I

think that incident left me kind of feeling I was discriminated because I had a

disability … I had a lot of trouble at first, yeah.

I asked him how he dealt with that situation, and he talked about using his support system:

Yeah, usually I didn’t do much. I just, my family tried to talk to me. They told me

not to worry about it (sighs). And also, I had some very good friends around me.

They told me it was going to be okay. So, I guess sometimes I just let it go. I

separated that part of life.

Michael talked about his experiences in his career as an optometrist and stated that it can be embarrassing when people, including his patients, have asked him about his tremors:

Oh, it’s a little embarrassing. Okay, I mean, now I’ve gotten to the point where I

just go, “No, I have a genetic condition and I have to live with it.” But yeah, it was

annoying. It did make things through my educational career and all more difficult

to accomplish what I had to accomplish. It was more of a challenge. It also

limited certain things that I could do. Anything that was very detail-oriented I

would not be able to do.

Brian stated that he has experienced negative treatment and stress in his life, but people treat him nicer as he gets older:

As I got older actually people became nicer … and some of the people just open

the doors, they’ll … like some people gave me second interviews when I

probably shouldn’t have had them. They just wanted to look past the device in

my ear. I wear it like a Bluetooth device. It’s disguised, but it’s actually

technology in there. And so, I was just hired from my application, and I didn’t lie

about disabilities, which I could have. And so, yeah, as I got older, people

became nicer.

He said that being honest with employers about his disability has worked well for him.

Participating in Activism or Community Activities

Many participants described their involvement in disability activism or other community activities. For example, Patrick talked about disability activism that he has been involved in with other people with visual impairments in online support groups, where the people have similar issues as he does:

I am in a group of people like me, so I usually, it’s mostly on social media, like,

different stuff, disabilities. I mean, actually there’s a group where we usually

report issues affecting us. Yeah … And then we talk about the current things,

about what’s happening, what’s coming, and what’s best for us.

Sophia also stated that she does some coaching with her peers to provide them with support. Also, Brian talked about writing a book to help disabled people reduce the effects of accelerated aging by living healthier lifestyles: “Yeah, I’m working on this book right now.” In addition, Gloria is in some support groups for people with hearing impairments on Facebook. She also said that she wants to create events to bring deaf people together:

I’m on Facebook, and I’m in a couple deaf groups, hard of hearing groups, and I

know that a lot of people feel the way I feel. Others feel lonely, misunderstood,

and unheard. So, I want to do something. I want to bring us together, you know

what I mean, and have us doing something. I want hard of hearing friends. I

want people that can relate to me because I feel like hearing people, they’re

just, a lot them are self-centered, they don’t care. But I want to be around

people that can know how I feel. I want hard of hearing friends and stuff like

that. I want people like me. And that’s what I’m working on.

Gloria’s description of how deaf people are lonely shows the value of disabled people coming together, and how community involvement can help people gain a sense of purpose (Welch, 2018).

Romantic Relationships

The participants described how their romantic relationships have been, and how well their partners have understood their experiences of being disabled. Henry talked about his relationships throughout his life, and stated that he often hides his disability from his partner, “I try not letting on about it, and I try hiding it as long as possible.” I asked him how that usually works for him. He said, “I have to figure out in the relationship, if and when I’m going to open the door about it. That hasn’t always been good.” He described experiences where being open about his disability haven’t been good:

In my first marriage, my first wife didn’t know or want to acknowledge my ADHD.

And my son has it much worse than me, and it’s caused him problems. And he

won’t take medicine, he does denial … and there’s a whole host of negative

impacts on his part. And the second wife has read one book on disabilities and

thinks she’s an expert … there’s a reason I’ve been divorced twice. And some of

it’s my fault on my parsing, and some of it’s been the other person’s. I mean,

everybody loves my creative nature, my ability as they would say in basketball,

to make the longshot. The problem is you can’t always make the longshot. And I

think people with disabilities have a tendency sometimes to be to the extremes,

either very dour or very happy. And it’s tough walking the thin line.

However, he also talked about what has worked in his relationships: “Women like my affection, the fact that I’m loyal.”

John also described how his romantic relationships have gone throughout his life, and stated that women have problems accepting his disability:

They’ve gone bad, you know, and I’ve had a lot of bad luck. It just seems like

one thing goes bad after another. So … and they’re fleeting and short. It really

doesn’t last for a long time. Eventually, we just don’t remain involved. It’s pretty

much bad and problems, and really nothing meaningful came out of it.

I asked John why he thought that his relationships have not worked out. John, who has been in relationships with both disabled and nondisabled women, said:

I think that was because of the fact that I only get about two hours of sleep. I

think it’s because I can’t do much. I mean, it’s very, very challenging to move

around, and I can’t go on long trips. So, I usually stay within the area. So, I’m

not really mobile. So, I can’t really satisfy someone in the way someone else

can. And that’s a big pain for the process, of what I’ve suffered through.

I also asked John if he thought that women have been very understanding of his disability, and he talked about the problem of people being self-centered: “You know, not entirely, no, not at all.” I pointed out that it can be hard when people are not understanding. He said, “Well, yeah, but the thing is, you know, people are really self-centered. And they really don’t—it’s really hard to get them to be able to think outside of their box.” I asked him if he thought it was possible for him to have a good relationship in the future, and he stated:

Yes, I think it is very possible to have a good relationship. But it’s getting harder

as I’m getting older. Because a lot of these dating sites are for younger, for

under 30 or 40. Yeah, I’m already over 55.

He also talked about the type of relationship that he would want, and what a great relationship would look like: “It would be marriage … yeah, it would be marriage.”

Gloria also reflected on how her romantic relationships have been throughout her life:

Terrible. Terrible! (laughs). Terrible. I don’t know when the last time I’ve been on

a date was. I’ve been suffering with depression. I don’t date, it’s terrible. I would

like to. I would like to get married. I’ve been married before, I’m divorced. But it’s

a problem. It isn’t easy because you’ve got to have a good-looking body

nowadays. You’ve got to look good, you’ve got to smell good, all this fake stuff.

I’m not into that, wearing fake stuff. But it seems like that’s what’s going on now,

you’ve got to be fake. Everything’s fake nowadays. I’m not into that. So that’s

probably why I’m not attracting.

I asked Gloria how men that she has dated have reacted to her disability. She stated:

They’ll be acting like they’re cool with it. There’s some … well, sometimes they’ll

be okay with it. Yeah, they’ll be okay with it. I had one guy who made fun of me,

but, you know, he was a low life. Yeah, but most of the time they’re okay with it.

But I do feel like some have disappeared, because it’s frustrating for them, me

not being able to hear them and stuff like that. Or it could be on their side, I don’t

know. But the one’s that I’ve been with, they’ve been okay with it.

Like Gloria, Beverly talked about how her relationships have been challenging. She has had trouble getting close to people because she was not able to get close to her mother growing up:

Oh, just totally dysfunctional (laughs)! I don’t think I even started dating until I

was like, 24 or 25. Partly because of the bleeding ulcers, you know, you’re not

feeling romantic at any time. I probably only had a total of three or four

boyfriends in my entire life before I got married. I got married at 32. So yeah,

totally dysfunctional in every way (laughs). I don’t have a healthy romantic life, I

tend to have platonic relationships. My husband and I, it’s platonic. I just can’t

get close to people. And it’s partly because my mom was really not wanting to

have more kids. But she did anyway, back then I guess she just did. So yeah,

no, that’s not healthy at all, that part of my life. But that’s okay. I have a husband

who’s willing to be platonic. That’s fine. Yeah (laughs).

I asked Beverly if she feels that her husband understands her, and she said:

Somewhat. He had, like, a normal childhood, right? And he doesn’t have a

disability, really. I think people with normal childhoods who are physically and

mentally not disabled, can only get a disabled person with a bad childhood to a

certain extent. He understands me as much as he can, given his background.

He’s an engineer, so he’s never had a psychology course in his life (laughs)! So,

I don’t expect much from him (laughs). He does it as much as he can, he’s

supportive. And he knows that I do go off the handle and I do get stressed, so,

he gets that. Yeah.

Sophia talked about how men have reacted to her disability, and she said that not all men have accepted her disability, though her current boyfriend does:

Yeah, well, I try to be open with them, I tell them my disability. In the past,

sometimes I’ve waited because I didn’t want them to judge me too quickly. So, I

felt like, I got a mixed bag. My current boyfriend, he’s older, so he’s accepting of

it, and he’s good with that. But in the past, I had some issues. They made

excuses for why they ghosted me or things like that, and that was kind of for the

disability.

Sophia’s description of how some men have not accepted her because she is disabled shows the negative attitudes towards disability (Livneh, 2012). However, she also described what works in her current relationship, such as being honest about her disability:

I would say, you know, I try to be honest. I’d say that works, honesty is the best

policy because I just feel like if I’m ever on medication or if I can’t go somewhere

because I’m tired, that always works. And I feel like on his part too, if he’s

honest and tells me what he could do and could not do, that also works. Yeah.

Similarly, Brian stated that he used to hide his disability from women, but he was upfront about it with his wife, so his relationship with his wife is better than his past relationships:

Yeah, it’s a lot better than other relationships. She was looking for more, like

intangibles with a man, like a man who treats his family and kids well, or a man

who has certain religious values, and so, she was looking for more intangible

type stuff … But yeah, I was just honest with her from the jump. Other women, I

lied, I faked, and it just came out to bite me in the long run. So, when I met her, I

knew she was out of my league, but I was like, “I’m just going to be honest with

her.” And she just saw, over time, intangible things, a man who takes care of his

family and saves money well: “He’s just straight up spiritual, takes care of his

mother and father as much as he can.” Stuff like that the other guys just didn’t

have, even though they had all the normal stuff. So, that’s been a more stable

relationship.

Aubrey, who is in a relationship with a man who is nonjudgmental of her, also talked about what has made her relationship work, and said that communication and effort are important:

The fact that we can communicate with each other. And we can really talk to

each other about anything when we’re having a problem. That’s so important,

that’s key, right there, right there. And the fact that he’s willing to put in the work,

as I am. Because you’ve got to have both people willing to play (laughs) or

forget it! You know, that’s part of a relationship. So, I just think that those are the

two most important aspects that make our relationship work. And if we feel that

we’re kind of drifting away from each other, we always seem to come back

together. When he has a day off, I have a day off, we reconnect, and everything

makes it alright again. Everything is alright and good then. So, we always do

find a time to reconnect.

Michael talked about how women have reacted to his disability. He said that some woman treated him badly because of his disability:

Well, I had some, yeah, I mean, where I would see that they’d look at me while I

was trying to pick up something and see me quivering. They wouldn’t say

anything, but I did see them looking closely at that. So, to me, it would make me

feel a little self-conscious.

However, Michael also talked about what has helped make his relationships strong. He said: “You just have to try to think as positive as you can about it. And that’s all you really can do. And just look at yourself for whatever your good points are.” He stated that the woman he is currently in a relationship with is understanding towards his disability: “Yeah … otherwise, we wouldn’t be in a relationship.”

Patrick also described how his relationships have been, and stated that like other areas of his life, they have not been easy:

My romantic relationships, it’s not been easy as well. It’s not been easy of

course because of my disability. So, but actually, I can say, not so bad,

considering my disability, but I can say my current relationship is good.

He went on to say that the reason his relationships have not been easy is because people might want a relationship with someone who is perfect:

Oh, considering my disability, of course it’s not easy. Some people, they just say

they can’t be with people like me and stuff like that, they are looking for perfect

people … Well, I think because a person with a disability is not the same as

other normal people. So, because in normal people relationships, people are

looking for a perfect partner, so sometimes having someone with a vision

impairment is surely a problem. That’s the problem I had, and I’m sure other

people have that problem, too, who have disabilities … But eventually I found

people who loved me the way I was, so, yeah.

I asked Patrick how things are with his wife related to her understanding of his disability, and what works for him in his marriage. He described how his wife has been supportive of him:

What works for me in my marriage is that my wife has been very supportive

from the start. She has always supported me through my disability. Through our

children, growing up, she has been supportive to them regarding my disability. I

can say she played a big role in my growth … so yeah. Even before we were

married, she was supportive, in school, in life position, yeah.

Patrick’s reflections on his wife being supportive of him show the importance of patience and understanding in a relationship (Napolitano, 2012).

Parenting

Five participants have children, and they talked about what it is like to be a parent with a disability. Henry said that he tries to be a good role model to his adult son who also has ADHD, but they do not really have a relationship. Brian, who has children who are seven and nine years old, described how parenting has been difficult because of others’ reactions to his disability:

It’s been up and down because sometimes some of the kids will tease my kids

… so I don’t know how they know. But I guess parents talk, neighbors talk. They

kind of know what’s really going on with some of them. So, sometimes when my

kids get into it with other kids, they’ll say, “Oh, that’s why your dad is this” or

“That’s why he has a lot of gray hair” or “That’s why he walks like this,” and then

they’ll do, like, a tin man walk, you know, left, right, left, right. When, I’m like,

“How do they even know?” So, the parents must be talking the most in their

homes because we’ve been living in the neighborhood for a while, in the (city

he lives in) area. So, I think maybe they’ve been talking. But, so yeah, it kind of

hurts, them crying and saying, so and so said this about me, or “Look at your

dad’s big glasses,” stuff like that. So yeah, I don’t like seeing that.

However, he talked about how he enjoys sharing his knowledge about healthy eating habits with his kids:

But as far as the flip side, stuff I’ve been learning, the kids have been on a plant-

based diet for the last three years. I mean, they eat ice cream and stuff when

I’m not looking, but I know for dinner and everything, twice a day, they’ve been

eating nothing but plant-based stuff. We’ve been weening them off of sugar and

replacing it with more fruit or Erythritol, like these different sugars you can use

versus table sugar, which is terrible for you. So, I mean, everything I learn, I spill

it over to them.

Brian’s description of sharing his knowledge shows the value of an older disabled person gaining a sense of purpose (Ryff, 2014).

Michael also described his experience with being a parent, and how his family accepts him:

I don’t think it affected me that much in my parenting role. All right? Because

you know, when your kid grows up, they don’t really pay that close of attention

to it. That’s just the way that things are in your household, that’s the way you

are, and they just accept it. It’s more like outside people would be more of a

challenge than people in your immediate household.

Annika also talked about her experience of being a parent with a disability, and stated that there are challenges, but she receives support from her husband: “It’s kind of challenging, but I receive help from my husband. And so, it’s not easy with disabilities to raise children … because there were some physical activities that made it not easy.” Patrick also described how it is not easy being a parent with a disability, but he shares his wisdom with his children:

Considering I’m not fully—I can see a little, I can say, living with a disability as a

parent is not easy. I mean, your children look up to you, they look at what you

do, you know. But I can say, it’s not really hard for me keeping up with my

children. I share with them my wisdom, we talk and laugh. Yeah.

Social Life and Support

The participants described their social lives and the social support that they receive. Gloria stated that she has some people that she spends time with, but it is mostly her father that she talks to: “I have acquaintances that I talk to … yeah, I mean, I just talk to my dad sometimes.” However, she also belongs to support groups on Facebook with other hard of hearing and deaf people, and wants to make friends with deaf people. She stated that social support is important because deaf people often get lonely and depressed due to lack of support:

A lot of people, hard of hearing and deaf people, are lonely and depressed.

Yeah, it’s a thing, it’s really big. And we don’t have any type of people supporting

us. You have gay people that have support. You have Black people that have

support. You have Caucasian people that have support … I think the blind

people even have some type of support. But it’s like deaf people, we really don’t

have any support system, nobody really. I don’t know, I could be wrong, but I

don’t see anywhere where we have real support.

I asked Gloria if she signs. She said that she did not have the opportunity to learn sign language as a child because her parents did not take her to a deaf school:

No, I need to learn. I’m going to get into it though, I need to sign. Like my mom

… they didn’t care. They didn’t try to take me to a deaf school or sign, help me

learn. But I should have done that when I got older, that’s my fault as well. I

can’t blame my parents for that. No, but I’ve been looking into taking a signing

class.

Henry also talked about his social support network, and stated that he has friends, but some of his friends have passed away or do not live close to him: “I have friends … a couple don’t live too close, near me. Two people left because of cancer.” He has a close friend, and they support each other. John also described his social life and how social media is helpful to him:

Oh, well, my social life is, I usually meet people through social media and things

like that. So, I think it’s good that we have social media now. Yeah, when I was

growing up, I remember it was different. We had the pay phones, the coin

phones. I remember you had to pay per minute and things like that. But now you

don’t have to really do that. So, you have free internet … and so stuff like that,

so it’s really beneficial.

I asked John if he has close friends: “I have some but not many.” He talked about some friends moving on: “You know, people have come and gone, and people have left the city. I’ve stayed here while others have moved on. They moved on to bigger and better things.” He also said that he is in support groups with other wheelchair users, older people, and people with different impairments.

Michael also described his social experiences, and stated that they are easier now than they were when he was younger,” but “truthfully not as many. Not as many as they used to be when I was younger.” He said that many of his friends:

have either moved away … some of them, we just, you know, lost contact. So,

my major social interaction is my girlfriend and my family, my daughter, my

grandchildren, my brother, a couple of friends. But the social group has sort of

gone down a lot over the years.

Sophia said that she participates in support groups and online activities, and she also talks to her sister. Brian also described his social life and said that he is part of several Facebook groups with people who are disabled and aging, and the members share knowledge with each other. He also stated that he likes spending time with his kids and doing outdoor activities with his wife. In addition, Patrick described his social life, and stated that is very good: “My social life is very good. I maintain good and warm relationships with my sons, we have families. We talk, we discuss our life, college life, and some other stuff.” I asked what helps him get along well with people. He said that he relates to people and feels that his friends come from the same place as he does:

I can say when I talk with people, I have very good ideas about what they are

talking about and referring to, in politics and life issues, and socially, what’s

happening, you know. I usually follow current events, so when I talk with friends,

we usually talk about what’s happening in the country. And also considering

where we come from, I can say that people who I went to college with, the

friends who I grew up with, I keep my relationships with, and I keep them close

because those are the people I think about right now, considering we are aging.

So, I have a small circle of those people I’m talking about. Socially, the people I

meet, we meet, we talk about politics. So, that’s what keeps us together and

forms a strong relationship because of where we come from, our achievements

and such. Yeah.

The participants valuing social experiences, and being involved in support groups or other activities show the importance of a supportive social life for older disabled people, to prevent isolation (Bigby, 2004).

Experiences With the Effects of Aging

The participants talked about many experiences with the effects of aging, including when they started feeling like they were aging, how their health has been as they have gotten older, and their body image and sense of identity as they age.

Feeling That One is Aging

Aubrey described how she first remembered feeling like she was aging when she began to get tired teaching a series of classes:

I had a series of classes that I had to do, a bunch of them back-to-back. I had

an all-day thing, from like, eight to two at the school ... And this is a few years

ago now, yeah. And I was really excited. But I had to go from one class to

another class, and I think I had to do at least two classes back-to-back. I was

so tired after the third or fourth class, when I used to be able to do them no

problem. And now, it was like, “Oh my God, I’m so tired!” (laughs). I needed to

get all my energy to do them. And I realized, “Wow, I’m just not as young as I

used to be.” And then it’s harder to do them now, yeah, not having as much

stamina, not having as much energy. I mean, I did the classes okay. But it was

like, “Wow! I can’t do what I used to do. I can’t do it.”

Similarly, Beverly talked about when she first remembered feeling that she was aging, and stated that she does not have the energy she used to:

I think, honestly, it was kind of later in life. I think it wasn’t until I was mid-50s.

Graduate school might have made me more aware of aging (laughs). I went to

night school, and I was working during the day, so really long days, and I just

remember in my mid-50s, just when I was in grad school feeling really achy

and sore after a long day, feeling like, “Wow, I can’t move like I used to. I don’t

have the energy I used to.” I would fall asleep in class sometimes. So yeah, I

think it was in my 50s, really. Yeah.

Sophia also described when she first remembered feeling like she was aging, including doing things a little more slowly:

Oh, I guess when I started doing things a little slower. You know, and maybe I

didn’t really understand things more. I felt like I had more headaches or nerve

issues. Or even hearing, my ears get clogged a lot, and I have to go to an ear

doctor to unplug my ears. So, just like that … I think it’s hard for me to walk as

fast as I used to walk.

Annika also talked about when she first remembered feeling that she was aging: “I think, you know, like, a few years ago.” I asked her how she felt like she was aging. She said, “Not so well! (laughs).” She went on to describe psychological experiences that she had with aging: “It’s like, some obsession, some frustration.” She said more about how she feels as she has gotten older: “I feel kind of disappointed, frustrated.” I asked her in what ways she has felt like she is aging, and she talked about not being able to do things: “Physical ways … I cannot do something, like travel.” She also said that as she has gotten older, she sometimes feels depressed. Annika’s experiences are an example of how people may experience depression as they age (Warnick, 1995). Also, Gloria said that at age 45, her hearing started to get worse and she had more physical pain.

Brian also talked about when he first remembered feeling that he was aging, and stated that he experienced the effects of aging when he was younger than most people:

Yeah, it was a lot younger than most people. It probably was around 30 years

ago. Yeah. So right around my early mid-20s, I started feeling more of the

aging. I was getting gray hairs at like, 25. It was kind of weird how my hair was

getting gray on the sides, where you normally get that at 45 or something. And

the leg with the polio was starting to deteriorate a little bit, it started feeling

painful for some weird reason right around 25, 26. And I couldn’t run and do as

many sports as I wanted to. I used to just do softball, but I wouldn’t run

because they understood, but I was just … somebody else would run for me.

So, I still was getting involved in extracurricular activities. But it was really early,

like early mid-20s that I started seeing, for some reason I was

accelerated with aging.

John described when he first remembered feeling like he was aging, and like Brian, he experienced effects of aging when he was younger. He stated, “Well, that was when I was in my teens, and I was getting bigger and developing facial hair.” He went on to say that he started experiencing a lot of pain as he got older: “When I was in my teens, 19, I started to have a lot of back pain and things like that.” He also said that he felt like he was aging at 50 when his back pain got progressively worse. Brian and John's accelerated aging, where they experienced the effects of aging at younger ages, show how people with childhood-onset impairments may start aging prematurely (Thompson, 2004).

Patrick also talked about when he first remembered feeling that he was aging, and said that from an early age he worried about his future as he could not do his work as well:

Yeah, actually I can say, getting older … I remember thinking about what I was

going to be at 18, about my future. So, I kind of had mixed feelings about how I

was going to be, how my life was going to be affected by the disability. So, I

thought about many things … when I almost became 18, that’s when I thought

about it, when I was almost 18, yeah.

Disability, Health, and Aging

The participants talked about how their health has been as they are aging, and what they thought has contributed to their health conditions, such as stress. John described how his health has been as he has gotten older: “It’s gotten worse, it’s gone progressively downhill, and it just keeps getting worse and worse. It’s definitely not getting better.” John talked about having worse pain as he ages, and he said that it is from aging: “It’s from aging because, you know, it’s aggravating me more.” Beverly also said how her health has been as she has gotten older: “My arthritis is getting worse, my vision’s getting worse. I may even go blind I was told the other day.” She talked about what she thought has led to her health issues, including genetics and wear on her body:

Well, in my case at least, everything is genetic. Even my eye condition,

what made me lose vision in one eye, it’s genetic. So, what led to these

things, genetics. I mean there is an environmental aspect in that I used to

run a lot of 10ks, half marathons, and that made my arthritis worse, right?

(laughs). I added to my arthritis. But everything else is strictly genetics. And

in some ways, that’s reassuring, that I didn’t cause anything.

She also said that she experiences stressors related to taking care of her 95-year-old father. Annika talked about how her health has been as she has gotten older: “I can say it’s fair. I go to the doctor. I take some medication, I’m trying to eat healthy, do exercise.” I asked her if she thought that her disability makes her health conditions worse, or if it is just from aging, and she stated: “I think in both ways. Aging and disability can both affect it.” I also asked her how her disability has affected her health, and she said that she cannot do as many physical activities: “It’s, like, more staying home, I’m not able to work like a full-time, so not as many physical activities.” She talked about physical activities that she is not able to do currently: “Going up steps. I cannot go so far up steps.” She also said, “There’s some issues, like being tired.” Henry also described how his health has been as he has gotten older:

My vision has deteriorated at a greater rate. I’ll have cataract surgery in

April. My feet have several comorbidities, and they’ve gotten worse as I get

older … The eyes thing— I’ve been seen by one practice since 1993. I’ve

seen four ophthalmologists now.

Henry talked about stressors that he currently experiences in his life, such as being in a bad relationship with his wife whom he is no longer together with, but living with: “I’m in a bad relationship, and there’s no doing enough or doing it right. And I’ve looked at divorce, moving away, and several other things.” However, he expressed that he tries not to let his health and other issues overwhelm him: “And I have to be careful I don’t get emotional about those things, and the whole rap that I’m carrying. I have to try not to let the components overwhelm me.”

Sophia also talked about how her health has been as she has gotten older: “Oh, yes, well, you know, my health is pretty stable. It’s maybe not the best, but I eat healthier and I exercise. Everything plays a role in it.” I asked Sophia what she thought were the reasons for her having her health issues, like if it had to do with disability or aging. She talked about how stress may be contributing to her health conditions:

It might be, you know, it could be stress. Like, sometimes stress could do it,

when I go to doctors, stuff like that. So, stress could progress more, like the

aging aches and pains. And I have neuropathy, so that could be part of the

aging. So, stress is definitely one of the coordinates of that. So, there’s

definitely that.

She went on to say what some of the stress that she experiences is from: "You know, like, living in (a big city). A lot of my peers might be doing more achievements than myself."

Also, Brian said that he had a heart murmur, but he changed his health habits at 51, and his health improved. I asked him what he thought led to his health conditions, and he talked about trauma that he has experienced due to oppression:

I think it was just some other kind of disability or something that the doctors

didn’t tell me about. So, maybe it was the aging properties, other disabilities

that caused some of the health issues. Like, I used to have the brain fog. I

think that was from eating unhealthy food and drinking unfiltered water all

the time. So, I didn’t have any major health issues but I did have minor

issues, like the brain fog, I had to get that checked on. I had mental

disabilities in my 20s from, just trauma coming through middle school, junior

high, and high school, and people picking on me, and probably PTSD

trauma. Every time I would hear large crowds and loud noises of people

celebrating, so I never could go to football games because I would have

these flashbacks of kids laughing at me and stuff like that. So, I had a

mental illness for five or six years, so I had to go to counseling for that. And

the therapist had to help me through that. Just kids being kids. I can’t really

get mad at them or hate them like I used to. They just were being kids.

That’s what kids do. They don’t know any better, they’re trying to fit

in themselves.

I asked Brian if he thought psychological distress and stress led to his health conditions:

Yeah, I had, like, a heart murmur, I had the brain fog, the PTSD. Yeah, I

think it all came from that because people thought I was stressed out. I

think it was distress when I had the gray hairs. Like, I literally was looking

like a 45-year-old man with the hair at like, 25, 26, it was embarrassing. I

had to dye my hair sometimes, and it was just kind of crazy, being so young

like that. But yeah, I think it came from the disability and the stress and

everything, all on top of each other. And yeah, that’s definitely what caused

the health issues.

Brian’s experience with stress is an example of how a disabled person can experience accelerated aging due to stressors in one’s life and on the body (Reinhardt, 1996). Gloria also talked about how her health has been as she has aged, and like Brian, stated that she thinks her health conditions are related to stress:

I feel like my health has been declining. It’s kind of like, declining, I have

back pain, I have endometriosis that I’ve been fighting with. My eyesight, I

have blurred vision at night. And without hearing aids, I can’t hear. So, it’s

kind of like, declining a little bit. And I’ve got diabetes, too.

She said that stress and depression led to her health conditions: “Stress, depression, and stuff, so that’s what’s up.” She went on to talk about what kinds of things make her feel stressed: “Being lonely, not having friends, being misunderstood, and not being able to hear. I feel like if I was able to hear, if I had my hearing, I would probably have more friends.” She also said that it is stressful to not be able to connect with people. These experiences reveal how minority stress can affect one’s health, mentally and physically (Reinhardt, 1996).

Patrick also described how his health has been as he has gotten older, and stated that he has not had any health conditions yet:

I’m actually, I’m trying to keep my health steady. As of now, I still haven’t

experienced much, I’m still healthy. I try to follow my doctor’s

recommendations. I eat healthy, so I think I’m going to keep doing well to

keep myself healthy. Yeah, but of course I know I’m not young.

I asked Patrick if he thought that stress affects his health. He said, “Yeah, I usually think that stress is not good for me. So, I usually try to find a solution to my problem so that I can relieve the stress and try to do good.”

Body Image

Many participants talked about how they felt about their body image as they have aged. Michael also talked about how he views his body image as he has gotten older, and stated, “Well, I don’t like the way I look compared to the way I used to look.” He also said that he often does not recognize himself in old pictures. Similarly, Beverly expressed how she feels about her body image as she gets older, and stated that she is disappointed:

A little disappointed (laughs), disappointed is the theme. Yeah, I mean, I feel

like it’s harder to stay in shape because of arthritis and pain, so I gain a little

weight. I feel it’s harder to remain youthful looking. I have a girlfriend who

spends, like, tens of thousands on face lifts and stuff, and I can’t afford any

of that … If you compare yourself to other people, you’ll be disappointed as

you age, if you want to look young, you know, cosmetic stuff. So yeah, a

little disappointed, but I guess it’s natural as they say. I mean, my dad’s 95.

If I make it that far, I’m going to be surprised! (laughs). But hopefully I’ll stay

in fairly good condition. I’ll keep working at it, it takes effort. You have to

make a lot of effort as you get older, I mean, just to maintain.

Sophia also talked about how she feels about her body image as she ages, and stated that she wants to get in better shape:

Oh, yeah, well, I feel that, since I’m a lot slower, it’s harder to get in shape

more. So, I have a lot of belly that I’ve wanted to get rid of for years, like a

lot of people. So, it’s hard ... But I was going to physical therapy at one

point, I might go back.

Gloria also described how she views her body image as she gets older, and like Sophia, she wants to take better care of her health and fitness:

My body image (sighs) … my weight is up and down. And I’m not really

happy about where my body’s at, I could do a whole lot better. I have let

myself go, because I get depressed, so I’ve kind of let myself go. I’m not

where I want to be. I’ll be like, “I’m getting old,” and I’ll be like, letting myself

go. But I still have time. I don’t know, I keep playing around when it comes

to my body image, well, because I’m not feeling good about it. But I’m going

to do what I need to get my body to where I want it to be. I don’t feel

healthy, that’s what depression does. I suffer with depression.

However, Brian talked about having a positive feeling about his body image as he takes good care of himself, does intermittent fasting, and has good genetics.

Sense of Identity

The participants described their sense of identity, and how aging has affected their sense of identity. John, who describes himself as a “charitable” kind of person, stated that aging has affected his sense of identity in that he worries about himself more as he ages: "I worry more about myself now. I can’t worry too much about others because I’m getting older. I’m reaching 60 and I’m getting much older."

Patrick, who sees himself as a social person who likes to make friends, talked about how aging has affected his sense of identity in that he worries about the future:

Oh, well, I can say aging has come with different disadvantages, like I’m

concerned about the future, that the people around me are alright. I’m also

worried about the aging, the physical stuff that comes with aging. And I

worry about the future. Yeah.

Aubrey describes herself as being friendly, enthusiastic, and positive. She stated that aging has affected her sense of identity related to her appearance, and she tries to look and feel younger. She also said that when she is reprimanded at work it reminds her of her age, and that she is critical of herself. Aubrey’s experience of what reminds her that she is aging shows how older people may be treated unfairly in employment settings because of their difficulties (MacKinlay, 2017). However, she stated that she has an awareness of her limitations and advocates for herself:

I know my limitations and I’m starting to say something about them now

because I recently did tell my top supervisor. I took a risk, I told him. I said I

can’t work more than four hours because I know my abilities and I know my

energy levels … I can’t do it beyond four hours at the register at

(department store she works at) because I start goofing up because I’m tired.

And he didn’t really want to hear that. But at least I was sticking up for myself.

So, I am learning to kind of stick up for myself more in that aspect of things,

rather than letting it go.

To Aubrey, it is important to do her best while also thinking of her health and well-being.

Sophia sees her identity as being White, Jewish, having a disability, and living in a big city. She talked about how aging has affected her sense of identity in that she has slowed down:

I guess along with my disability, the aging probably slows me down as well

a bit. But I try to be active if I can with my friends. I do try to go to a support

group that I found online, so that helps a bit, like writing and art work. So,

yes, I try to do things to occupy myself. But without that or the resources,

it’s difficult with being just slower, slowed down in (city where she lives) …

everybody’s always moving around.

Beverly describes her sense of identity as being a survivor. She said that she has a desire for gaining a sense of purpose in counseling her clients who have also had struggles. She went on to talk about how aging has affected her sense of identity, and how she feels that she has not accomplished as much as she thought she should:

Well, I’m disappointed in myself that I have less energy than I used to. I’m

disappointed that I’m less resilient than I used to be. So, I think aging has

made me more disappointed in myself, you know, made me feel like I

haven’t accomplished what I should have at this stage in life. So, that’s the

main feeling (laughs), is this realization.

She also expressed that she has unresolved issues and problems piling up, though she is reaching out for more innovative treatments for her arthritis. Michael describes himself as an average, middle class person who is doing the best he can with what he has. He stated that he does not think that aging has really affected his sense of identity:

I don’t know if aging really, hmm … there may be certain things you can’t do

as well as you could do when you were younger. But in terms of my general

identity, I don’t think it’s really changed my attitude radically.

Annika describes her sense of identity as “White,” and similar to Michael, she stated that aging has not affected her sense of identity: “Nothing, no, it has not affected it.” Henry also talked about his identity and said, “I’m male, heterosexual.” He stated that aging has improved his sense of identity: “It’s become better.” He went on to describe how he uses humor and gets along well with women as he ages:

There’s this (coffee shop) in the city where I live, and this woman that’s

been a head barista, she actually is almost like a regional manager. And

there’s several women that have been in their late 20s, early 30s, that I’ve

done standup jokes for in (coffee shop), and I’ve gotten everybody to laugh.

I mean—and there’s one woman that’s got a partner and she’s gay. And

she’s introduced me to her partner … I’ve gotten her to laugh. There’s other

women that the head barista has brought over to me and said, “She wanted

to say goodbye to you.” These are women that have boyfriends that aren’t

even half my age. I mean, I hear guys in the background saying, “What’s he

got that I don’t have?” One woman says, “He gets us to laugh and there’s

no touching.” So, for me, getting older, there’s more maintenance involved.

But it’s been more—I’ve got to tell you, this is something money doesn’t

buy.

For Henry, aging is an opportunity to connect with people and use his humor and wisdom.

Brian describes his identity as a being a man who is middle aged and has hidden disabilities. He talked about feeling fake because of his hidden disability, and how in the past he has not let people get too close in fear of them treating him differently when they find out about his disability. I asked Brian to describe an experience when somebody actually did get too close and they thought something was different about him. He talked about a woman whom he was not honest with about his disability, and how his perspective of his disability has evolved as he has gotten older:

Yes, basically at the time I was probably around 22 or so and getting out of

college, I had a girlfriend … She knew about the hand, but it was just barely

visible unless you’d really look at it. But if you hold my hand or shake it, you

can feel it shake. … So, I just looked regular with the glasses. She just

thought it was some kind of special bifocal, but I would take them off and

look at her and talk to her even though I couldn’t really see her … but she

found out. She moved in with me. She kind of stayed with me at an

apartment I had. It was the first company I was working for out of

college and I still was faking it, I was wearing a certain kind of shoes, and

she was like, “Why are you wearing those kind of shoes? I bought you

some shoes. Wear these.” And I just was like, “I can’t really wear them

unless it’s a certain kind of shoe.” And she read some paperwork and saw

what I was classified as. And then she just acted like she was cool with it.

And then she started acting weird and eventually left. So, that’s when I was

like, “Hey, I can’t let anybody in unless I get this fixed or I get some kind

of surgery or something.”

He stated that he feels differently now because he is honest with people who he is in relationships with: “But with my wife now, I just told her the truth from the beginning. And that’s why it worked this long, but that was the first time that happened.” For Brian, being open about his disability in relationships is now an important part of his identity. He also said that as he has aged, a lot of his identity is around living a healthy lifestyle.

Gloria describes herself as an African American woman who is hard of hearing and living with a disability. She talked about how aging has affected her sense of identity, and how she is now embracing her disability:

Well, I used to hide my disability, but now that I’m older, I don’t care. You

know, I hid it for a long time, I was in denial. I think I just started really

embracing my hearing problem, me being deaf, is embracing it more. Oh,

me being deaf is definitely, I’m getting old, I’m aging. Because I can’t hear

without my hearing aids, I have to embrace it. When I was younger, I used

to hide it. But now, I can’t hide it. I can’t hear without hearing aids if I don’t

wear them. It’s part of my identity now. Before it wasn’t. I used to be able to

hear (laughs).

Gloria embracing her disability is an example of how people can celebrate disability and see themselves in a positive way (Swain & French, 2000). The participants' descriptions show how older disabled can people gain wisdom and insights as they age (Marini & Stebnicki, 2012).

Societal Responses to Disability and Aging

The participants described how they thought society responds to disability and aging, including people’s views of the participants’ different identities as they age and doctors’ degree of understanding of their experiences of disability and aging.

Intersectionalities of Identity, and Societal Views

Many participants said whether they think people see them differently because of disability, age, and/or other aspects of their identities. Sophia described how people might perceive her differently because of their reactions to her being disabled and aging, and she talked about how aging and disability together can be viewed by society as more negative:

I feel that people do see aging and disability as like a double whammy. Yes. Even if they say they don’t, I feel they do. Even with the disability act, it might be better

now, but you always have people who judge or even if they say they don’t, theyall

have biases, and stuff like that. So, and sometimes you hear things like, “Well, I’ll

give the assignment to so-and-so, and that so-and-so” because the person could do it faster or quicker. So, I do feel that it’s still out there, even if it might be better than it was years ago. But it’s not 100%. You know, it might not ever be 100%,

but it’s getting better.

Sophia’s description is an example of how society often has lower expectations of disabled people who are aging (Marshall, 2014).

Michael also talked about how people may perceive him differently because of his disability and age, compared to when he was younger, but also how they may just see his disability as being part of the aging process:

I don’t think any change, really. It’s not … as you get older, it’s probably less.

Because when you’re younger, something abnormal like that stands out more.

So, when you’re older, a lot of people would look at it and just go, “Oh, that’s just

part of the aging process.” Yeah, it’s no big deal. A lot of older guys are unsteady

or have tremors, so it’s probably less as you get older. So, my peers, they have a

different attitude towards you.

For Michael, people see his disability as more acceptable because of his age. I asked Gloria if she thought people treat her differently because of her different identities, including being older, because of the way they perceive her, and she said that people seem to see her as more of a person now:

Yeah, most people see me as a woman with a severe, with a disability. But it

doesn’t define me. I’m starting to think more people are looking at the person and

not letting my hearing problems define me, they are looking at me more as a

person now. That’s what I’m thinking, all the hearing people. They can see that I

can’t hear, but they’re trying to, like, get to know me.

Similarly, Brian said that people see him more as a person as he gets older and they become more mature: “So, I guess you could say they kind of, people become more mature.” For Brian, being open and honest about his disability helps others look at him more as a person.

Doctors’ Understanding of Disability and Aging

The participants talked about how well they think their doctors understand their experiences of disability and aging, and they reported both positive and negative experiences. Patrick talked about how his doctor understands his experience of disability and aging: “I think my doctor understands my experience real well because he has been with me since I was 35, so he usually understands what I need. Yeah.” He said more about what his doctor does to help him with disability and aging:

I think my doctor would occasionally, would personally help me, check my

disability if it was progressing or if it was stagnant. So, he would explain to me if

my disability was progressing or if it was staying that way.

Also, Beverly said that she has a positive experience with her doctor, but she had to educate him about her condition and her needs. However, Henry stated that he does not think his doctor understands his experience of disability and aging well: “I don’t think my doctor willingly accepts the mental disability.” However, he also said that he has had both positive and negative experiences with the health care system, and some doctors have advocated for him. Gloria stated that her doctors do not understand her experience of disability and aging:

They don’t care [laughs]. I’m going through something with the audiologist I see.

To be honest, I don’t like the audiologist because I told him I had a problem with

my hearing aids that they gave me, and they said, “That’s your hearing.” I’m like,

“How is it my hearing problem when my hearing aids are cutting off?” So, they’re not telling anybody the truth, you know what I mean? Especially with these new hearing aids they’ve got, they’re supposed to be new? They just cut off, like, they go bad, and then I can’t hear completely. But I talked to him about it, I brought it to his attention. And he was just so insensitive about it. He was like, “Oh, that’s

just your ears.” I’m like, “How is it my ears if my hearing aids are cutting off?”

Like, they’re not supposed to be going bad like this. They keep stopping, cutting

off. It’s not the battery or anything, the hearing aids just cut off. So, the doctor I

see is insensitive. They don’t care.

Gloria went to on to say that doctors often don’t know what it’s like to experience hearing difficulties: “They don’t. They’re just so—it’s all about money. A lot of these doctors don’t have compassion, empathy. It’s all about the all-mighty dollar to them.” Brian also said that doctors often do not take the time to show that they care:

Yeah, they try … they say they know somebody or have a family member, which I

don’t think is true. They are just saying something to make the client feel better.

But I don’t think they really understand. It seems like they’re just kind of doing

their job. It doesn’t seem like they really care, unless it’s a psychiatrist. A

psychiatrist, I guess it’s her job to really show that she cares, but I can’t really tell

the difference. But other doctors, they really just seem like you’re just another

number, and they’re just trying to get to the next patient. So, yeah.

Cynthia and Brian's reflections show the importance of doctor’s having more empathy towards consumers (Shapiro et al., 2003).

Losses, Changes, and Fears with Aging

The participants described losses that they have experienced in their lives, and also their fears related to aging.

Losses and Changes

The participants talked about experiences of losses and changes in their lives as they have aged. Henry said that some of his friends have passed away. He expressed what his experience is like with people dying as he gets older, and described the uncertainty of when death may occur:

Yeah, it’s weird. There are people I know in their 80s and more, and then there

are people that, I mean (sighs) … I don’t know how to say this … only someone

upstairs or downstairs makes the difference on how long you’re around.

Michael also talked about losses that he has experienced with aging and how it makes him think of his mortality:

I’ve seen the deaths of people around me as I’ve gotten older. Well, my wife

died over 20 years ago. That was the first … and one of my closest friends just

died within less than a year ago. Yeah, so, you see people around you

disappearing. And even when my parents died, and I was only in my 50s then.

You start to see things. Yeah, you start to realize your mortality. And even just

seeing my grandchildren grow up, you know, it’s really great to see them grow

up, but this means I’m getting older.

Sophia stated that she experiences more losses as she gets older than she did when she was younger. She described losses of people and jobs that she has experienced with aging:

Oh, well, I’ve had some peers die, that was a loss ... Or maybe, like, I guess, a

job loss, it’s hard with that, living with something. But I do have a disability

check, which is good. But I want to get maybe some income, because I could

work part-time … Yeah, mostly the people that died and the loss of the jobs,

yes.

John described losses that he has experienced in his life with aging: “I’ve lost some of my hearing, and I have problems with my ears. And I lost my dad a few years ago. He passed away.” I asked him some ways that he deals with growing older or any losses he experiences. He said that he gets support from mental health therapists so that he does not go into a depression.

Beverly described losses that she has experienced, including losses related to her health, how she is treated, and changes in social roles, as she ages:

Well, my arthritis is getting worse, so it’s harder for me to run. I used to love to

do, like, 10ks, half marathons and things, and I’m not able to do that as much.

So, loss of ability to run because of arthritis. Well, I guess, less good treatment.

When I was younger, I was attractive, so people would open doors for me and

be nice to me. Now people, men, especially, just ignore me, so, or are rude,

right? So, not being treated as well, not being able to exercise the way I want

to, and just really realizing that life is more about duty than pleasure because I

have a lot of obligations. I have to take care of my 95-year-old dad while also

making money for his care.

Beverly’s experience of not being treated as well as she ages is an example of how older people are often less valued by society (Reynolds, 2018). However, Brian stated that difficult experiences he has had do not have to be seen as losses, but rather learning opportunities for growth:

Yeah, on the surface it looks like losses, you know, or mistakes. But if you can

learn something from the mistake, then how much of a mistake was it really?

So, it looks like losses to the world. Certain things look like losses, like

physical, death losses, people, family, and friends, and then certain jobs may

have let me go. I tried to start a business one time. It didn’t work, but I just

thought of the lesson. And if I went out again, or when I do go out again, I’ll be

successful this time because I learned what not to be from the last time. So, I

would say like, those are some losses, but some of them, they look like losses

on the surface, but they’re not really losses to me. Though, yeah, I’ve

experienced some losses … yes, like, lessons, I call them lessons. Yeah.

Fears of Aging

John stated that his fears about getting older are around not being able to care for himself: “Well, I would say I wouldn’t be able to provide for myself. I might have to go into a home … I might not be able to have my own apartment. Yeah, that’s a big fear, too.” John’s fear of loss of independence is an example of how some disabled people may have to go into institutions when they get older (Bruyère et al., 2012). Beverly also talked about her fears of losing her independence as she ages:

Well, mainly that I’ll lose my function. If I lose my sight, I won’t be able to be

independent. I might lose my ability to walk … I really highly value my

independence. I like being able to go places, drive, do things I need to do. And

I just don’t want to lose my independence. That’s the last little shred of self-

efficacy I have left, you know? So yeah, that’s my biggest fear.

Similarly, Annika said that she fears she will not be able to take care of herself if she gets really sick: “Getting sicker, you know, where I cannot take care of myself.” Henry also described his fears of aging, including his physical conditions getting worse and him being alone:

Mostly that I will … I think my fears about aging are the comorbidities I have,

and being alone. Although I have a number of friends that are either older or a

little bit younger than me. And there’s a good club of people, but I worry.

He expressed wanting to enjoy life, but not knowing how much time that he has left and being in denial about this:

One of the beer companies used to say, “Try to reach for as much gusto as you

can.” And I never know if I’ve been a hog or negligent or how much more there

is. And most of the time I don’t want to know how much more there is. You

know … there used to be a pitcher, and he was told, “Don’t look back.”

Gloria said that her fear is not having anyone to take care of her if she gets sick when she is older because she does not have much social support. Gloria’s fears of not having someone to care for her when she gets older is an example of older disabled people being isolated and not having social support (L’Arche, Canada, 2010). Brian stated that he fears death, but he is facing his fears, as aging is a journey where he shares his knowledge of a healthy lifestyle with others. In addition, Sophia expressed having fears of getting older and dying, but also stated that she tries to think positively about the things that she can do now:

You know, I guess getting older, that means I can’t do things, I’m very limited,

or even, dying to the end of life, coping with people that have died, my friends,

more friends, and maybe not doing more of the active things that I used to do

… that plays a role in it, yes. But I try not to think about the negativity so much.

I try to think of things that I could do now.

Sophia's statement show's the value of an older disabled person having a positive attitude, and also appreciating what they are able to do in the present (Greenfield & Marks, 2007).

Making Meaning Out of Aging

The participants expressed the meanings they make out of aging, both positive and more negative. John, who is 56, talked about the positive and less desirable aspects of aging, where a person gains more knowledge and wisdom, but also how the body can deteriorate at the same time:

In a way it’s good because it makes me wiser, like smarter, with aging, mentally

… but at the same time you get physically weaker. So, it’s kind of like a

paradox. It’s kind of strange about that, because as you get smarter and wiser,

your body starts to go downhill. Your physical being is inversely proportional,

the exact opposite to your mental growth. At some point, if you get too old, you

might lose your wits and you might not be that sharp. But for the most part, in

terms of wisdom, you know a lot more than you did when you were growing up.

Annika (age 57) stated that aging can be a lonely time where a person cannot do as many activities. I asked her if she could think of anything positive about aging. She said: “It’s just, you know, gaining some more knowledge.” She went on to say, “But in the same way it’s some loss, like mobility, going out, like the things that you did before.” Similarly, Aubrey (age 56) stated that aging can involve physical changes, like less energy and more pain. However, she also stated that wisdom is a positive aspect of aging:

The only positive thing that I can say about aging is more wisdom. That would

honestly be the only positive thing I could see with aging at all, is that you’re

more experienced, you have more wisdom. That’s it (laughs). Everything else I

could do without!

Michael (age 72) expressed what aging means to him, and how it is important to be aware of one’s limitations, but also enjoy life: “It means that you have to realize you have some limitations … you may have to slow down a little bit and try to enjoy yourself because this is all you’ve got. And don’t get obsessed with nonsense.” He also said that a positive aspect of aging is being more experienced and people asking him for advice.

Beverly (61) described aging as being about survival and acceptance, and she talked about some positive aspects of aging as being realistic, having wisdom, and appreciating what she has:

You know … just acceptance. Saying, “Okay, things aren’t going to get better.

Hey, you know, they might get a little worse … That’s just my status.” And just

having a lot of wisdom. Just realizing that you’re not going to waste a lot of time

investing in things that won’t happen, and you’re just going to try to be happy

with what you’ve got. I mean, so far, I’ve still been able to go for a long walk on

the ocean every day, not everybody can do that. And yeah, so I try to find ways

to go out and get some exercise every day. I do have pet cats, they give me a

lot of pleasure. So yeah, I think, just being happier with less, right?

Similarly, Sophia (age 55) talked about some positive aspects of aging, and also the importance of having awareness and advocating for oneself:

You know … wisdom, like whatever I would gain to tell people … and like, my

grandmother used to say, have experience, that’s how she knows a lot of

things. So, experience is definitely a positive thing. Yes, and keep doing things

and not giving up. And try to be assertive if you’re not getting what you need or

want from the clinic, from any place you go to, the store. Sometimes you have

to clip ads to save money, like a budget, coupons, and some stores, they try to

take advantage of people when they checkout. So, just try to be alert and

aware. Even people might call and say they’re so and so, like grandson, just try

to be aware of that, also. So, there’s a lot of gimmicks going around, like social

security, so awareness is really important. Yeah.

Henry (age 72) also expressed what aging means to him, and said that he does not always know what to expect in the process:

(Sighs) Dealing with pleasures and difficulties … right. There’s an author called

Frank Stockton, who’s long gone and he had a story that was very important,

and it was two choices. And the story was called, The Lady, or the Tiger. And

you didn’t know which cave or door you were going into.

He also talked about how aging involves having to make more effort to stay healthy:

I have a friend who’s about 85 … his son got that lime disease, and his wife

has had at least four or five back surgeries. And there’s a whole coterie of

people that are at least in their late 40s, that’s the lowest, that’s the low end of

the membership. Most of the people are at least mid to late 50s and above.

And so, we kid about this stuff because “now we’re in the brunt of a winter,” as

my mother would say if she were with us, “and you need more than warm coats

to keep you going around here” … But just being able to … my mother is gone

15 years, and you know, it’s the whole thing’s … from whatever political or

social aspects, it’s a big job keeping it together.

Henry’s reflection shows how older people may have to adjust to their situations and work harder to take care of themselves as they get older (Jasiński, 2016).

Brian (age 56) also described what aging means to him, and how it can be a negative experience if a person does not try to control it. However, he also said a positive aspect of aging is being taken more seriously when one is older. He also said that disability is seen as more acceptable in older age:

And I guess when you get around this age here, if you ask somebody for a

cane or something like that, they probably wouldn’t look at you like you’re weird

or something, even though they’d be, like, “Okay, well, he’s almost 60, so …”

Also, Gloria (age 56) said that a positive aspect of aging is looking young for her age. She also expressed the value of having wisdom and appreciating what she has:

You know, you gain wisdom as you get older. I’m independent, I don’t rely on

anybody but myself. My dad is still living, that’s a positive. My parents are still

living, that’s a positive. A lot of people, a lot of old friends, their mom and dad

are gone, but mine are still here. And my brothers are still living, that’s a

positive. I don’t know, I guess that’s all the positive I can think of (laughs).

Patrick (age 56) described aging as being about retirement, but mostly not being very pleasant:

Aging to me, it means retirement, it means managing investments. Aging

means (sighs) … What can I say, aging can actually mean you have some few

friends, loss of friends … Yeah, so I don’t actually … to be honest I don’t think

aging is fun. I don’t think positively of aging. Yeah.

However, he did say that there are some positive things about aging, such as having more time in retirement and being able to attend to his feelings more:

Yeah, of course there are some positive things about aging but it isn’t much …

Oh, yeah, what I can say is, well, I would finally have the time to look after my

home, I mean, if I can. And also, free—maybe I can try to live somewhere. I

can have the energy if I need the energy. If I have some feelings, any negative

energy, maybe there would be more time. Yeah.

Patrick's description of having more time to rest and attend to his feelings more shows the importance of people being fulfilled later in life (Diener & Seligman, 2004).

Positive Strategies for Coping with Disability and Aging

The participants described positive strategies that they use for coping with disability and aging, including having a positive attitude, healthy lifestyle and self-care, alternative strategies for health, using and sharing one’s knowledge, focusing on things that make them happy, spirituality, and having goals for the future.

Having a Positive Attitude

Several participants expressed the benefit of having a positive attitude to improve their health. Sophia talked about wisdom that she has gained about having a positive attitude and being resilient as she ages:

Oh yes, I would just say, try to be persistent and don’t give up. Try to have a

positive outlook. And a sense of humor always helps because you never know

what’s around the corner. So, try not to give up because I do have friends that

were suicidal, and some of them did take their lives, so it felt like, it’s good to

have hope because you never know … And if you have, like aches and pains,

hopefully you could get help from the doctor, get better medication. And have a

lot of support, there’s a lot of support out there if you can find it. Yes.

Sophia’s description is an example of how older disabled people can be self-determined and advocate for themselves (Marini & Chacon, 2012). Also, Henry said that the way a person thinks is powerful, and that he copes with disability and aging by having a positive attitude and using humor: “I make things bigger and funnier than they are (laughs). And I do it for my own protection.”

Beverly also talked about how older disabled people are survivors and resilient:

Well, just that, you know, as I get older with the disability, I do feel more

fatigued, emotionally and physically, just because after you have been

challenged a long time, you just get worn down a little. So, I think in dealing

with this population, it’s all about reminding them of how they’ve survived and

been resilient.

Also, Gloria described the wisdom that she has gained as she has aged, and the importance of embracing disability and aging:

The wisdom I have gained from this is not to worry about what other people

think of you. Embrace everything about you, embrace yourself. People are

going to think bad or whatever about you regardless, like if you can’t hear or

see or whatever. Even people that have everything going on for themselves,

people talk bad about us. So, you’ve got to just embrace it. Embrace it and start

loving yourself, and stop worrying about what everybody else thinks.

A Healthy Lifestyle and Self-care

Many participants described ways that they live a healthy lifestyle and practice self-care. Sophia said that a healthy diet, rest, and social support are important. She also expressed the value of doing constructive activities that are meaningful: “I do art and some writing, journaling, because that helps with stress. Yes.” Gloria also described what she does to cope with aging:

Okay, ways I deal with getting older are I try to be positive, I try to read more …

and I do puzzles and I read dictionaries. I play with puzzles, I do crossword

puzzles and math. I try to just keep getting my brain to function. And then I eat

a lot of blueberries. I do research on what keeps your brain strong … I was

even looking for a vitamin for it, but I take a lot of vitamins.

She went on to say more about the healthy activities that she engages in:

I do a lot of research on eating a little healthier. I’m trying, it’s harder because

I’m depressed. So, when I’m depressed, I eat whatever I want. But when I’m

feeling good, I try to eat salads and a lot of vegetables and stuff, to keep my

body going strong. And I have a relationship with God … I meditate, I do

stretches, kind of like, yoga. And I’m doing things to keep the aging process

down (laughs). But I know I need to go back to the gym … I definitely walk

because my dog is a pit bull, and he loves to go on walks. So, I’m always

walking, I walk to the park, and we walk, for like, two hours.

Also, Brian, who lives a very healthy lifestyle, described things that he has been doing to try to reverse aging:

So, I’ve been doing things to try to reverse it, like intermittent fasting because it

releases BDNF in the brain. It’s like miracle growth for the brain, and it’s been

proven to reverse aging. It’s been proven to strengthen the telomeres because

that’s how we age fast, our telomeres are withering down, so it kind of helps

slow that down. So, it’s actually made me smarter in some of these areas of

aging, and, you know, doing research versus just sitting here taking it. And

we’ve got the power of Google. Maybe I can figure something out to at least

look younger if the inside is not reversing.

For Brian, it is a positive experience to be able to choose to live a healthy lifestyle, learn about ways to be healthy, and reverse aging. John also said that he likes to eat healthy: “I like to eat organic foods, different healthy types of foods.” Similarly, Annika stated that she tries to live a healthy lifestyle: “I’m trying to eat healthier, trying to take care of myself.” She also talked about going to the doctor and doing research: “If I have a problem, I can talk to the doctor, do some research, and find the way for treatment.” Beverly also described strategies that she uses to cope with disability and aging and live a healthy lifestyle:

Oh, well I make sure I walk every day. Rain or shine, I go for long, long walks,

that helps. I have cats, they help (laughs). It reduces stress to have pets … I

can talk to a friend … Those are things I can do to help cope (laughs) … I’m not

coping real well, though. I don’t really think I’ve got a handle on it, but I’m trying

(laughs). That’s all we can do.

Patrick talked about ways that he works to maintain his physical and mental well-being:

Mostly I focus on mental health and make sure my mind is clear. I usually make

sure I have enough sleep. And also, I make sure I take a mindfulness

meditation program. I try to work out … I exercise, I take a morning run, I avoid

sugary foods. Yeah, I do all of those things.

Alternative Strategies for Health

Two participants talked about alternative strategies that they use to improve their health. Brian enjoys doing research on living a healthy lifestyle and said, “I’ve been learning a lot about different natural herbs and things I can take.” He stated that he takes the herbs berberine and ashwagandha, to stay healthy. He also described the benefits of the strategies that he is using to reverse aging:

So, actually people say I’ve been looking younger. But I’m not sure if it’s from

the products I’ve been using on my face or the intermittent fasting and eating

once a day, lowering my insulin levels and all that kind of stuff. I don’t know

which one it is, but they say I look younger, so I think it’s working.

Also, Beverly said that she uses a new therapy, platelet-rich plasma, for her arthritis, and that this treatment is less invasive than surgery: “It’s not even painful, and it fixed it instantly.”

Using and Sharing One’s Knowledge and Wisdom

Many participants talked about the wisdom that they have gained with the aging process, and how they are using their insights to improve their health and well-being. John described what he has learned about himself with the aging process:

That I need to quit smoking and drinking. Those are two big no no’s now. I

have to be really careful not to, you know, not fall off … and start drinking

again, because that’s only going to cause health problems and make it worse.

He stated that he now lives a healthy lifestyle, which he has done for the past 11 years. Michael also talked about the wisdom that he has gained as he has gotten older about being realistic about the aging process:

You can’t always control everything. Life is going to be full of compromises. All

right? And you just have to make do and work the hardest you can to get what

you are trying to accomplish. And sometimes you may not get everything that

you expected or that you wanted. Sometimes you have to change your goals

based on your abilities, based on the situation.

Also, Henry said that using humor, social support, and taking his mind off difficulties with aging is therapeutic. He also talked about how he tries to learn from his mistakes: “Learning from your mistakes. And then, not being tempted after you’ve learned from something that can hurt you, to go back through that door again. And that’s kind of a very difficult thing for me.” Aubrey also described things that she has learned about herself and insights that she has gained about taking care of herself with the aging process:

Oh, well, I’m definitely more wise (laughs). Because you know, the more

experiences—I realize that I’ve had a rich life, at one point. And I’ve realized my

limitations. Like, I’m really proud of myself for telling my top supervisor that I

can’t work longer than four hours. At least I was honest … So, I am realizing my

limitations. I’m realizing what I eat is really important, too. And I don’t push

myself. If I can’t do it, I can’t do it. And also, that I’m doing the best I can and if

it’s not good enough for them, oh well. I mean, is it going to be the end of the

world if I get let go from (department store)? Come on! Right (laughs). It’s not

going to be end of the world.

Aubrey taking care of herself and not pushing herself too hard at her department store job shows the importance of older disabled people having autonomy (Falvo, 2005). Beverly also expressed insights that she has developed with aging, and talked about trying new treatments for her arthritis:

Yeah, I think I’ve learned how to cope a little better, and I’ve learned to reach

out for new therapies, like for my arthritis. I’m trying to get new therapies for my

arthritis that cost a lot of money, but seem to be helping. So, I do think we know

each other, and we know ourselves better, to try other things. We don’t

catastrophize as much, realize that, “I’ve survived a lot before, I can survive

this,” that kind of attitude. Yeah.

Gloria described how as she ages, she has been learning more about herself and the difficulties that she has experienced with her disability:

I’m learning, I’m trying. It’s a rocky road because, you know, I never had

anybody to teach me these things … I didn’t have any support. So, I had to

learn a lot of this stuff on my own, and I’ve been in denial for so long.

For Gloria, it has been a difficult experience because she has not had support; however, she is learning to embrace her disability and also aging. Patrick also said that he has gained wisdom, financially, relationally, and health-related, as he ages. He also stated that he wants to use the wisdom that he has gained to help other people: “Yeah, mostly aging you get to learn some experience, you begin to think about the experiences that you had before, and you’ll be helpful to others.” He talked about wanting to do counseling to help others: “I think it would be a good idea to share the experience with others, and also listen to them.”

Focusing on Enjoyable Activities

Beverly talked about enjoyable activities that she engages in: “I read quite a bit … I can walk, I can cuddle my kitties.” Michael also talked about things that he does for fun:

Well, I like to exercise. I like to read. I like to watch a lot of educational videos

on YouTube. Thank God for YouTube because you can actually take a lot of

courses, and a lot of colleges actually put their courses online so you can just

… you’re sort of auditing the course. The entire course is on a YouTube video.

So, that keeps me quite occupied when me and my girlfriend are not, like,

running around doing stuff, or visiting.

Aubrey expressed ways that she copes with the aging process, including focusing on things that make her happy and not on aging:

Well, I try not to focus on it. Obviously, I color my hair (laughs), try to look as

good as I can. I focus on things that make me happy. Focus about the dolphins,

or do my fashion thing … be creative, teach the kids, they keep me young, talk

to my friends. Anything that would lift my spirits and make me happy, to try not

to focus on it, that’s what I could do (laughs).

Annika also stated that she enjoys doing things that take her mind off aging: “Like normal things you do to try to not think about old age, like have something to eat, watch T.V., go sometimes to a movie theater, or to listen to music.”

Gloria also described fun activities that she engages in:

I spend a lot of time with my dog. I walk my dog, we go to the park. We hang

out at the park. I go shopping sometimes, I like going to the bookstore, I like

cooking, I like to read books, I like to watch movies, I like going bowling. I like

doing fun stuff, but I don’t really have the friends to do those types of things

with. Yeah.

John stated that he enjoys spending time with friends: “There’ll be trips to the park.” He also said that he likes to: “watch T.V. and listen to music on the radio.” Henry also described what he does for fun:

When I have money, I join the Boys’ Night Out Thursday night, which is about

four miles from where I live. It’s one of these nationwide chicken places. It also

has other food, and they’ve got beer and wine and all this other stuff. When I

can, I get down to my first wife’s house, she’s got my grandson living with her.

I’ve tried writing jokes for people, and setting up a jewelry company and doing

freelance shirts.

In addition, Brian stated that he enjoys doing virtual reality with his kids: “Yeah, we use Oculus … and that’s a lot of fun … escape reality.” He also described fun activities that he does with his wife, including risk taking activities:

We like getting on jet skis sometimes, and renting a small boat for like, a few

hours, and just kind of getting away … We like to drive, I like to drive the cars,

like rent cars or drive a fast car myself, I like racing. Kind of like, anything close

to death, almost, because they say you really haven’t lived unless you’ve

almost experienced death. That’s why people like doing stuff like that, like

racing or bungee jumping … so, I try to do stuff that’s a little risky, but not super

risky. So, I’m a thrill seeker.

The Value of Spirituality

The participants talked about their spiritual beliefs and what these mean to them. John described his spirituality and how his church is a good support system:

Well, I believe in God. I think God is great. I’m a born-again Christian. So, that’s

really what my spiritual activity is, I go to church every Sunday, and I get to be

with the Lord in his house. And that really helps me a lot. It helps to be able to

be with God. I find church really helpful.

Patrick, who is Christian, described his spirituality, “Yeah, my spirituality is that I’m an open-hearted person. I help anyone when I can and I’m always kind to people I meet. And I help other people who do the same for me.” Beverly believes in God, though she described her spiritual practice as feeding homeless animals:

I had a rabbi who came up to me once and said, “This is your mitzvah.” And

what’s my mitzvah? You know, a mitzvah is what the Jewish people say is their

calling, right? Well, I’ve been feeding a bunch of homeless cats, which I do

seven days a week, 365 days of the year. And this, well, this rabbi came up to

me and said, “This is your mitzvah.” So that’s as close as I get to a spiritual

practice is taking care of lots of homeless animals.

I asked Beverly if feeding the animals helps her with her well-being as she ages with disability, and she said that it helps her feel like there is a purpose to her life:

Yeah, I almost feel like there’s hardly any reason for me to stay around unless I

do have some kind of meaning. I know right now if I were to be run over

tomorrow, the only ones that would miss me would be the animals because

they would go hungry! (laughs). It helps me feel like there’s a purpose to my

life, I think.

Henry talked about the value of having faith and stated that there is a woman whom he is friends with that provides him with encouragement: “There’s a woman who’s a little bit older than me, and she says, ‘Have faith.’ And that’s sometimes all you have.” I asked Henry if having faith is something that helps him with aging and his situation. He said:

Yes, because sometimes I have to do meditation. And it isn’t very deep, but I

just sit by myself, and I don’t know if it’s prayer or focusing or both. But I’m

better, or at least I think I am, after I do that exercise.

For Henry, having faith helps him to feel more at ease in his life. Sophia, who is Jewish, stated that her spirituality helps her with disability and aging, and that the spiritual aspect is uplifting:

I think it helps because it makes me look forward to every day, like the holidays,

you know, and it’s uplifting. And I feel that even if it’s not God I’m looking

forward to, it’s the spiritual aspect. I feel that that does help a bit, yes.

Also, Aubrey described her spirituality as “new age.” She talked about how her spirituality has helped with her quality of life, including when she swam with dolphins and whales in Hawaii:

Oh, yes. I mean, it’s provided a different meaning to things. It’s helped me to

handle certain things in my life by looking at them from a higher conscious

view, or a more spiritually conscious view. It’s helped me to connect with the

dolphins and the whales that I’ve connected with because I swam with whales,

too, that’s another part of my dream that I fulfilled.

Also, Brian said that he believes in energy in the universe. I asked him if he thought that his spirituality has helped him cope with disability. He stated:

Yes, indeed. Basically, it helped me, I actually learned, I actually discovered a

lot of other people in history who had disabilities and still became great, people

who still did notable things. And so as far as the spirituality, I think it helped me

because, like I’m a vegan as well and I eat correctly. I eat just like a 95% plant-

based diet every single day. And so that’s part of the spirituality as well, that the

body is a temple.

Brian went on to say how his spirituality has helped him have peace of mind related to his disability, and he wishes good for people who treat him badly, rather than having anger towards them:

You want to report them, but how I believe is that the energy only sees me. So,

if I’m putting out hate towards somebody else, I’m actually putting out hate

towards myself. If I’m putting out revenge or I hope something bad happens to

you, I’m wishing that for myself because the power only sees me. It only sees

the energy I’m putting out.

He expressed that wishing people well is a positive form of self-care. He also talked about spirituality and forgiveness, and things he learned in therapy about people who have treated him badly: “So that’s why that really helped me to forgive all those people who talked bad about me, to really forgive them because they didn’t know any better. They were trying to fit in themselves.” Brian’s reflections on the importance of spirituality in his life show how spirituality can help with healing and forgiveness (Reese, 2004). Also, Annika, who is Jewish, stated that her spirituality helps her with her disability: “Yeah, it helps me, it’s good for mental health, or you know, just doing something differently.”

Also, Gloria, who is spiritual and has a relationship with God, said that her spirituality helps her with disability and aging: “Yeah, it definitely helps me.” She went on to say how talking to God helps her with her quality of life:

Oh, it definitely helps me. After talking to him, I just feel like a heavy burden is

lifted. When I talk to him and I pray to him, and I cry to him, I feel like stuff that’s

been wearing me down just will be lifted sometimes. He just listens, things just

get better for me. I’ll be feeling good! I start feeling good when I talk to him,

after I have a talk with him. He just lets me know that he’s near, and like, I’ll

read the Bible and stuff like that, that helps me. When I feel lonely or things

aren’t going right, I go to God with it, and that helps me out a whole lot.

Gloria’s description shows how spirituality can benefit a disabled person who is aging in providing them with feelings of peace and hope (Pentland et al., 2002).

Goal-Setting and Looking Forward to the Future

Annika described her goal for the future of staying in good shape: “To stay in as good shape as possible.” Michael also talked about his goals for the future, and stressed the importance of keeping his mind active:

Stay healthy, enjoy the people who are with you, keep educating yourself. And

I’d like to keep working as I am. I work part-time. I’d like to keep working for as

long as I can, and as long as I’m healthy enough to because I think that keeps

your mind going good. If you just stay at home and do nothing, you’ll go crazy.

Henry stated that his goals for the future are being stable and finding a woman to have a healthy relationship with: “Stabilization. And finding a woman who will accept my faults, and I will accept hers. That’s my start.” Beverly also talked about her goals for the future in caring for her father, and also her career goals to go back to school to obtain a job and alcohol certification:

Well, I’d like to have my dad have a good, comfortable end of life experience. I

mean, I’ve been trying to set that up, and it’s really hard for somebody who has

autism spectrum disorder and no money, it’s hard to guarantee that. But I’d like

to guarantee that he has a comfortable end of life. After he passes, I would love

to go back to school and get more certifications.

Gloria talked about her goals for the future around starting a business to bring deaf people together:

Well, my goals are, I really want to tap into the deaf community. I want to make

hard of hearing friends. I would start a meetup or something. And I want to start

a business helping other people like me, some type of business with them.

Some type of business meeting for the hard of hearing and deaf … because a

lot of them are sitting at home, don’t have anyone to talk to, lonely, depressed.

She went on to say more about how starting a business with deaf people would be beneficial:

So, maybe I could get them to come out, to get out and enjoy their lives. I want

to do something. I want to tap into the hard of hearing and deaf community. So

that’s something I really want to do. I want to develop friendships, and then

maybe, like, start some type of business with traveling, friendship, something

along those lines. Yeah.

She also stated that an important goal is take a sign language class so she can communicate with deaf people. In addition, Brian described his goals for the future of helping other disabled people who are aging live healthy lifestyles: “I want to empower other people through stories in books about these same issues.” He talked about a science fiction book that he is writing that helps disabled people who are aging live healthier lifestyles and prevent rapid aging. He stated, “So, I want to write books and empower people through stories on how they can live a more normal life.” For Brian, it is important to find solutions to difficulties with aging and share these solutions with others.

The participants' descriptions of their goals are examples of having hope and believing that one can achieve goals (Chang & DeSimone, 2001).

Self and Other Compassion

The participants expressed how they practice compassion for themselves and others. Brian described how he practices self-compassion as he ages by loving himself more and taking care of himself: “Yeah, the self-compassion is just loving myself more, you know … eating better, drinking better liquids. Self-compassion, instead of being sorry for myself, just loving myself more and learning about how the body can heal itself.” Michael also talked about ways that he practices self-compassion and takes care of himself as he is aging:

Taking care of myself. Taking care of my physical … taking care of my body.

Treating it, you know, realizing you’re a little more delicate. You have to be

more aware of your health, and you can’t abuse it. You can’t abuse your body

like you … you’re not in college, you can’t go out drinking all night.

Beverly also described how she takes care of herself and practices self-compassion:

Yeah, I make sure no matter what work schedule I’m working I’ll take a walk

every day. Even if it means telling my boss, “No I’m not going to stay overtime

tonight.” So, self-compassion to me is a walk every single day. Luckily, I live

close enough to the ocean that I can walk on the ocean every day, that’s my

self-compassion. That’s about the only thing I can do, because I don’t have a

lot of money, and I don’t have a lot of friends, just a few. So that’s about it

(laughs). I could think of other ways I could use self-compassion if I had money,

but every dime of it goes to my dad’s assisted living, so yeah. There’s other

things I’d like to do, but maybe in the future, we’ll see. Now it’s walking every

day.

Also, Sophia talked about how she practices self and other compassion as she ages by being involved in advocacy groups and other community activities:

Oh yes, like I try to do as much as I can. Like, I go on Zoom chats ... And I do

some writing groups online too. And there’s even a meetup group, like an

improv group on Friday that I joined, and people from all over the world go on it

… so, I do that, I started that. I try to find things that I could do from Zoom or

try to advocate online. So, that definitely helps.

Gloria also expressed how she practices self-compassion as she is aging by not being hard on herself and also trying to appreciate what she has:

Well (sighs), I used to be so hard on myself. I’m still hard on myself because

I’m not really happy where I’m at. I always wanted to be rich (laughs). I wanted

to be, like, a billionaire. And I still, for real, that’s something I would have liked

to accomplish. But you know, I’m learning it’s okay. I’m learning to stop being

hard on myself, but be happy with what I have. So … because it could be

worse (starts to cry). I just feel like it could be a whole lot worse. But I’m doing

okay. I have more stuff than some people. But yeah, that’s the compassionate

piece, like, whatever I’m doing, I’m doing good, I’m doing okay. I may not be

rich. I may not have a whole bunch of degrees. Because that’s what I always

wanted (cries). No but, I’ll stop being hard on myself, because I can be very

hard on myself (cries). Very. So, I just try to look at the positives. Yeah.

For Gloria, learning to be less hard on herself is a process, and she is working on remembering how well she is doing in her life. Henry also stated that he practices self-compassion as he ages by trying not to be hard on himself:

I try to remind myself not to take the stick to myself. And sometimes you’re

having a crappy day, a crappy week … you have to be careful not to put

yourself in the garbage can … There used to be this character on Sesame

Street called Oscar the Grouch. And it’s easy to let Oscar the Grouch into your

house, into your car, at the table where you’re sitting.

Henry said that while he experiences difficulties, social support helps him:

But luckily, I have a lot of these people … I can text people and say, “How you

doing?” And they’ll either send me a thumbs up, they’ll say, “Eh,” or, but they’ll

respond. And sometimes all I need is a response. And for me, that’s trenchant.

Henry also expressed that there is value in self-love and gratitude, and also of providing others with encouragement. He also described uplifting memories of how one of his close friends who passed away recently practiced self-compassion when this friend was offered low pay for a job and also when he was not admitted to a university that he applied to:

I can remember when we were in a phone booth in the 70s. And they offered

him a crummy job and crummy money. And he turned his mouth and said,

“What am I going to do with all that money?!” and he hung up the phone. Yeah! (laughs). It was so asinine. I mean it was a figure—I can’t remember what it

was, but it really bit the bag even for the 70s, and I mean, he was a bright guy.

He went to (a prestigious university). He got refused at the (university he

applied to). They said to him, “We’re sorry, but there are limited funds.” And he

responded with, “Well, I’ve got limited time!” (laughs).

John also described what he does to practice self-compassion and take care of himself when a person is treating him in a negative way, and said that it is helpful to talk to people who have experienced similar things as he has:

Well, I might call my support group, go to my support group. I have a good

support group where we talk, we chat, different people, be social … talking

about issues. Well, we’ll kind of talk about situations and we’ll go over it, so that

I understand what’s going on, so that I can properly cope with it. Yeah, because

you have to deal with these things head on.

John talked more about his support group: “There’s a whole lot of people in the support group. They’re all like, over 55 and 65, different ages and disabilities.” He described an example where someone really understood his experience of disability and aging: “Yeah … it was one of the support group leaders in my group. He’s gone now. But he was an older gentleman, too. So, he easily understood and he could relate to me about what I suffered through.” John’s experience is an example of the importance of loving oneself (Neff, 2011), and also gaining support from others. Also, Annika stated that she practices self-compassion as she ages and is not hard on herself: “I take good care of myself.” She also offered advice to a disabled person who is younger about the aging process for when they are older: “Be more optimistic and do not give up.”

The participants’ descriptions of how they love and take care of themselves and others show how self-soothing and appreciating one’s wisdom are beneficial for the quality of life of older disabled people (Stuntzner, 2017).

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